Letters to a young man 19

Hello my friend.

You have been going in circles and are disappointed when you reach the place you started from, again and again. There are moments when everything is bright and clear, and then darkness sets in and consumes you. How many times I have found myself in your shoes throughout my life. And now you ask me where you might find the exit.

Men enslave themselves. Everywhere I look I see men who are bound by their needs. Men who would otherwise be free. I ask you a question, because you have been looking for such a long time, and looking in the wrong place:

How much validation will you seek in the warm embrace of women’s bodies before you realize that what you’re looking for is not to be found there?

The target is easily missed by pointing yourself in the wrong direction. You must exit and turn around.

One day you’ll wake up and none of your old concerns will matter anymore. You will have found the exit.

Yes you will say, but where is the exit? You will press me, and chide me because I give you no ticket. I tell you there is no easy exit. You will be tempted to turn and find comfort and solace in the easy distractions. Before you know it, you will be back in the endless loop.

So hear me.

Struggle against your own complacency. Continue to chase after what you seek with women until you have exhausted yourself. You will have success and failure; hope, and despair. And when you reach your lowest moment, you will be faced with a realization that may alarm you.

There is only you. What you’re looking for doesn’t exist out there.

You will have to accept this. It doesn’t mean that you cannot and will not have meaningful and important relationships, with women and other men. That is not the point. When you reach that low point, when you have that realization, you will know what I mean. I mean that what you seek is something you build yourself.

Just being in the gym means nothing, it’s what you do while there that counts.

When you accept this you will begin to see the world and your life differently. You will see things that used to attract you differently. You will be repulsed by some of those things. Others will not move you either way. And some things you never found attractive will become so.

As you walk around and no longer seek the old things, you will seek new things. Where you used to start a conversation with someone with the end-all-be-all goal of having sex, you will seek only conversation and connection. You wish to know what makes the other person tick. There is no rush to exchange bodily fluids. You will offer more than you seek to take. And the reaction from those you deal with will be hard to miss.

You will have become the prize. No longer seeking what others have to offer.

You will feel a peace you’ve never felt. You’ll laugh and embrace your contentedness.

And yes, there will be new difficulties and new challenges. An easy life is a life not fully lived.

You will finally look yourself in the mirror and see the man you’ve wanted to be looking back at you.

Take care.

Stoic Living for the Modern Soul

My book on stoicism.


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6 thoughts on “Letters to a young man 19

  1. Pingback: Letters to a young man 19 « PUA Central

  2. Now this is a manosphere post that would make men out of boys. Someone finally figured it out.

    As philosopher Montaigne said, the most difficult thing is to be in yourself. You are constantly pulled to all directions, and in fact you allow it, willingly, because being in yourself feels weird. For most people, men or women, they haven’t done it since they were three, about the time the world starts pulling you apart. No wonder they are the Horrible Threes, or Twos- I see in my son a complete creature who resists with all his screaming might this pulling apart. Most people allow themselves to be pulled apart. A few will constantly try to gather themselves up, which is made even more difficult because being in yourself brings social negatives. The world changes, even your talk changes, you become a savage in a world of empty men, civilized men- men who live sideways, who merely react to their self-made stimuli, men who have long ago given up having a core.

    Full disclosure: I’m a woman, 30. It’s quite possible for women to wake up and be in themselves, although it’s much harder. What’s pulling us from ourselves is subtler, more basic, warmer and fuzzier. It’s easy giving up glitter, consumerism, promiscuity. Try overcoming your biology, the mothering instinct, the social rule that you are not realized without a man and children. It can be done, and it should be done, because the fog lifts from your world and you can finally breathe. You are a human being- one with a female body, but neither the body, nor the biology or social expectations affect you. I mother, but I am not the mom. I can be with a man, or without one, I can allow to be gamed or be totally immune to it.

    Let’s turn the question: how much validation can you seek in your strong husband and your children to notice that not even they, wonderful as they are, are the prize? Now, do you wonder why some women are not haaappy…when you feel the urge to remember what it’s like to be in yourself and not pulled apart, nothing can satisfy it, not all the riches of the world. Now, granted, some women just go batshit crazy, but that thing, needing to find yourself, and to live from your center, it’s quite real. Once you hear that little voice, there’s no going back. Men and women will move mountains to go back to themselves. No amount of married game will do, no niceties will do, in the end we won’t mind being called insane castrating bitches. The big cosmic joke is women also have this human nature and they can also be in themselves, yet it is even more difficult for us.

    And in the end, it’s possible that we are finished men and women, that both sides find the way to be in themselves and then meet. You may find women more appealing this way, not merely the empty vessels, the instinct-driven half-animals. You’ll forget the hogwash of evo psych and junk neuroscience. I don’t think there’s any other way- women will also feel the urge to wake up, and it would be silly to try to suppress that. It will blow up in your face.

    I constantly see men pulled apart by the world. On the outside, they look good, but they disgust me with neediness, lack of balance. One thing I learned in martial arts- you have to be centered, if not, you will be hurt deliberately, because it’s the only way to show you you are not in yourself, you are merely reacting and flailing about. It’s a weird experience, me as a woman in herself against a man pulled apart by the world, thinking he is skilled and worldly. Like a bad martial artist, thinking he’ll impress people with his outer moves and tricks. Easily beaten. The stupid ones get mad at you and never learn. The smart ones find their center and thank you…

    Please don’t mistake this for feminism or grrrl power, it’s quite far from this, shouting for women’s rights does not even imagine this ultimate right- to be in yourself, not to be defined by things outside yourself. Have this and you won’t mind making a sandwich for someone, you’ll lose the desire to be shrill and full of moxie or whatever. That’s not the prize.

    The prize, as usual, is yourself.

  3. You might have come across Daniel Siegel’s book Mindsight since you have a psychology background but if you haven’t, I highly recommend you read it. Your ideas and approaches to life and wellbeing have a lot in common.

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